Dogging It

Florida at Washington. Fish 9, Nationals 3.

BallWonk bets that Stan W. Kasten is thinking to himself now that maybe contracting the Spring Training foodservice out to Menu Foods wasn't such a good idea. It's widely known that adulturated wheat gluten can carry the e. sucki bacteria, which has dangerous side effects, like being a worse shortstop than Guzman and giving up five runs in the first inning and two-thirds and getting only as many hits off a non-All Star pitcher as he personally gets off you.

"But that food is good enough for our lovely bichon, Tiffie," Ted Lerner said on that fateful day in January. "We can save a few bucks down in Florida if we buy canned food from Menu Foods. They even have specialized recipes. See, this one is for joint pain, and this one for youngsters, but most of our guys would want the 'maintenance' blend. Besides, it's what we serve in our mall food courts. What could possibly go wrong?"

That was before the recall, though. Even in late March, the players were noticing something wasn't right with the food. For one thing, they weren't used to clubhouse lunches being served in plastic bowls with no silverware. "Smells like Dinty Moore," Power Austin sniffed.

"Yeah, right. Dinty Moore. Exactly," the cafeteria server said.

Yet nobody associated the food with the odd symptoms befalling the team.

The more Patterson ate, the slower his fastball became. Guzman, oddly, was batting like he'd never batted before. Which isn't true; he just hasn't batted since 2004. Nick's leg just wouldn't get better. The whole bullpen came down with a bad case of the bleeding earned runs.

"Say, it sure is quiet tonight," Officer Schneider noticed late one night in the team dormitory.

"Yeah, shouldn't the guard dogs be barking?" the Chief asked.

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen the guard dogs in a couple of weeks," the good Officer said.

"Huh. Me either."

The good news for Nationals fans is that the food has been recalled, and though it may take a while for the e. sucki bacteria to work its way out of the players' systems, improved diet should help in time. And, at the present rate of improvement from game to game, the Nationals should finally win their first game on the 11th in Atlanta, by a score of 10-9. Something to look forward to.