A Heat Lamp Is Like a Hot Stove, Right?

So BallWonk was busy doing stuff you don't care about all day, and it wasn't until he got to the restaurant to pick up the take-out order that was waiting under the heat lamp that he had a chance to glance at USA Today on the bar. There to find, in the front-page sidebar that makes USA Today USA Today, news that Emperor Selig and his dark minions had rejected the Barroid's insult to the entire human race $15.8 million one-year contract with Los Gigantes. On account of too many personal appearances.

Yeah, like Emperor Selig and his dark minions were worried about it on Barroid's behalf. You just know the conversation went something like this.

Selig: I'm sorry, Peter, but I'm going to have to reject this contract with Mr. Bonds.

Peter Magowan: But why?

Selig: Too many personal appearances.

Peter Magowan: But you know Barry -- that vague language in the basic agreement about cooperating with team events means nothing to him. If we don't put it in his contract, no way will he come visit the sick kids at the hospital for the Make-a-Wish Foundation events.

Selig: It's legal for Mr. Bonds to enter a hospital? Interesting. I did not know that. But that's not what I mean. What about the All-Star Game?

Peter Magowan: What about it? We're hosting it this year in San Francisco. We've got this cute logo with a ball splashing into the cove and everything --

Selig: Yeah, yeah. And will Mr. Bonds be appearing at the All-Star Game and the other events we'll be putting on that week in San Francisco?

Peter Magowan: Well, of course.

Selig: Personally appearing? In person?

Peter Magowan: Yes.

Selig: See, right there, that is one personal appearance too many. You pay the man $16 million and you can't arrange for him to be out of the country or something during the All-Star Game? Don't come to me with that crap and expect me to approve it.

Peter Magowan: ...

Selig: And games. Says here in the contract that Mr. Bonds is obliged to personally appear in up to 162 regular-season games. Good thing signing Bonds puts the playoffs out of reach for your club, or else we'd be looking at possibly 181 games total. With personal appearances by Mr. Bonds. Holy Pabst, Peter, what were you thinking?

Peter Magowan: You want me to pay Barry $15.8 million but not let him appear in any games?

Selig: Not personally appear in any games, correct. As far as I'm concerned you pay him whatever you have to to stop him from personally appearing at any event, or in any building, in any way associated with Major League Baseball. Great Hoan's ghost, do you think we want that man playing baseball? Or even just personally appearing at a ballpark? No, this contract obliges Mr. Bonds to make far too many personal appearances. The best interests of baseball require me to reject it.

In addition, Comrade Bluegrass signed a three-year contract worth $16.5 million. Or, as scientists measure baseball contracts, 1 Guzman. Now, BallWonk doesn't begrudge locking in Comrade Bluegrass on a team with absolutely no spare parts anywhere. (Can he pitch?) But to hear Trader Jim say, "He's a complete player. He is like ... Ryan Zimmerman," well, this is Washington and all, so you expect some spin. But there's spin, and then there's talking like it's opposites day. Comrade Bluegrass is like Zimmerman to the extent that they are both bipedal hominids under the age of 30 who speak English. To the same extent that Greg Luzinski was like Mike Schmidt. And that's not a knock against Comrade Bluegrass -- on this team, "adequate" goes a long way. In right field, it's probably worth 1 Guzman, though it would be nice if maybe in 2007 Comrade Kearns didn't cripple any of our actual good players.

Oh, and then came news that Tony Armas Jr. will be joining the rotation in 2007. Pittsburgh's rotation. On the one hand, taking a 5.03 from RFK to Pittsburgh doesn't sound like a particularly fun move, for Armas or for the Pirates. But on the other hand, that 5.03 was our second-best full season starting ERA last year, and the guy signed a one-year contract for less than we're paying Six-Three. BallWonk gets it, don't sign mediocre free agents now, spend on the farm system and reap the harvest later, blah blah blah. BallWonk hasn't just drunk that Kool-Aid, he's been mixing up fresh pitchers of it for three years now. But if the choice is between spending sub-Guzmanic money with no long-term commitment on a starter we already know or asking for a volunteer from the stands to pitch every fifth night, BallWonk might have stuck with Armas.