The Nat Whisperer

Washington at San Francisco. Nationals 10, Gigantes 7.

What was in that fruit basket the guys got together to give Fonzie? Maybe that creepy guy on the late-night infomercials is right about the magical elixir power of fresh fruit. With the all that citrus in their bloodstream, the Nationals played like a team transformed.

Or maybe the Nationals are like puppies who respond to positive reinforcement. Some teams need the manager to chew 'em out from time to time to keep them in shape. Frank has tried that, last year and this, and it doesn't seem to work here. But roll out the new carpet, put up some streamers and bunting, decorate the clubhouse, and drop a fruit basket and some champaign in the locker room, and man, does this team respond. Two sweeps at home after getting the bunting-and-goodies treatment for RFK's reopening, then a Giant pounding last night after getting the bunting-and-goodies treatment for Fonzie's grand not being traded.

Maybe Cesar Millan ought to manage this club. He'd be like, "Tscht!" when Fonzie gets overeager and makes the third strike on a crappy pitch below the stripe zone. But then he'd be all like, "Good National!" when he goes 3-for-6 with a double and an outfield-assist DP, and maybe give Fonzie some fruit. Seems he loves the fruit treats.

And then the Nat Whisperer would jab Church with his fingers and stare him down when he let a fly ball get behind him in San Francisco's pasture of an outfield, where an inside-the-park home run is a real possibility. But then he'd say, "Good National!" and give Church a treat when he rips a pair of doubles and stays focused on the ball even as it soars into a flock of seagulls.

The Nat Whisperer knows that Nationals are pack animals, so once he establishes his calm, assertive energy toward the alpha outfielders, pack newcomer Comrade Bluegrass would naturally fall in line and stop making his disruptive runner-stranding outs. Exercise, discipline, and then affection would be the order of the day, with bunting in the clubhouse and fruit baskets in the lockers.

And who knows, maybe positive reinforcement can even work on our pitchers. Put some fruit baskets in the bullpen, but also teach Cowboy Randy how to do that "tscht!" thing and the finger-bite when relievers throw away the blowout taking "revenge" for earlier beanballs by hitting the leadoff batter. Bad National! Bad National!