Batless Wonders

Long Weekend Wrap-up.
Washington at Pittsburgh.
Pirates 7, Nationals 4.
Pirates 7, Nationals 6.
Nationals 8, Pirates 4.
Washington at Florida.
Fish 4, Nationals 2.

BallWonk spent the weekend in the forensics lab examining the footage of our supposed ex-Commie defectors. And what BallWonk found there will shock the Nationals caucus:

Comrade Kearns left his bat in Cincinnati.

That's right. Comrade Kearns is playing without a bat. Here is the proof:

Where is his bat?

Here is how the poster-inning of the weekend went down on Sunday:

Top of the 11th inning. Real National #1 doubles to deep center. Real National #2 reaches on pitcher's fielding error, Real National #1 to third. Real National #2 steals second. Felipe Lopez strikes out swinging, the only thing he can possibly do as a batter to avoid driving in a run. Real National #3 draws intentional walk. Real National #4 doubles to deep left, Real Nationals #1 and #2 score, Real National #3 to third. Real National #5 draws intentional walk. Comrade Kearns flies out uselessly to center, the only place he can hit the ball to avoid driving in a run. Real National #6 doubles to deep left, Real Nationals #3 and #4 score, Real National #5 to third.

Sources say that Frank noticed just then that neither Kearns nor Lopez had bats.

Isvenitya, Comrade Kearns, but why in tarnation are you batting with no bat?"

"Is not People's way to bat with a bat. The true New Ballplayer hits with his bare hands as an inspiration to the proletariat," Comrade Kearns answered.

"Bullshit," Frank said. "I fought the Commies from Pusan to the Yalu in Korea, and damned if they didn't bat with 36 ounce bats, every one of them. Hell, before the war, in my student days, I even joined the campus Reds for a while, and they would never be caught taping agitprop to the light poles without their lumber. Now you go back to your locker and get your bat and go out there and hit the ball!"

Comrade Kearns dropped his shoulders. "Da, comrade manager, you have truth. But I have no bat. Before I defect, I am told, 'Comrade Kearns, we are sending you to Washington, but you leave your bat here.' So I leave bat in Cincinnati."

At which point Frank hit the roof. Literally; he shot his giant fists up and punched a hole clean through the under-stadium concrete at PNC Park. "Until I get to the bottom of this, you're on the bench, Kearns!" Frank shouted, even as he picked up the phone and dialed Trader Jim.

"Jimbo here, can I interest you in an outfielder?" Trader Jim answered.

"Dammit, Jim, Kearns here tells me he left his bat in Cincinnati."

"That's right."

"You know about this?"

"Yeah. I made the trade, after all. Say, you sure you don't want to trade me a double-A pitcher for Soriano and Guillen?"

"No. Now pay attention. Why doesn't Kearns have his bat? He's been going up the for three days now swinging with just his bare hands. It's embarrassing!"

"Frank, what you've got to understand is that I traded Majewski and everyone else for Kearns, Lopez, and Wagner, they wanted more than I was prepared to offer. So I said, 'What if I let you keep Kearns and Lopez's bats?' That's what it took to get the deal done. They left their bats in Cincinnati."

"What? How do you expect me to win when you send me guys with no bats?"

"Expect you to win?" Frank had to hold the phone away from his ear as Trader Jim laughed like a banshee possessing a hyena. "Frank, I don't expect you to win. Oh, goodness, let me catch my breath. Oh, that's rich. Hey, Joy! Frank just asked me how I expected him to win!"

"I can hear you, Jim."

"Oh, right. Sorry. Whew. Anyway, even without his bat, Kearns has at least three tools left. Use those instead."

"Jim, do you even know what the five tools are?"

"Yeah. There's not drawing walks. That's one. There's striking out a lot but hitting fifteen or so home runs a season. That's another one. Then there's sac bunting, and attempting steals, and pitching for innings instead of control and power. That's all five. And even without his bat, Kearns is good for at least three of them. That's more than I can say for Johnson or Zimmerman. Say, have you heard if any teams are interested in corner infielders who don't have any of the five tools?"

"..."

"Hello? You still there?"

"I'm counting to ten, Jim."

"Oooookay."

"So what you're telling me is that you traded for players but not for their bats?"

"Yep."

"Can we at least get Kearns and Lopez some new bats?"

"With what? You tell me, Frank, which prospects you want to trade for Kearns and Lopez's bats. You tell me."