Washington at Philadelphia. Nationals 11, Phailers 6.

So. Lesson learned.

If you're pitching to the Nats, and it's the ninth inning, and Manny Acta has just put on a turban and grabbed a crowbar and started to open the old wooden box marked "9906753," then you need to shut your eyes and keep them shut no matter what until the ballpark is silent again.

Because that old wooden crate the Nats are carrying from dugout to dugout isn't just any box from a government warehouse. No, this one houses the Ark of the Comeback, and it's been in storage since 1933. Once the Nats open the Ark of the Comeback, they have the power to level pennant-holders and lay waste to entire bullpens. They say a team that carries the Ark of the Comeback before it is invincible, and so far they seem to be right.

Which is how Tom Gordon, who didn't shut his eyes, got his face melted off by Baby Bear Milledge, St. Nick, Kearns, the Duca Death, Power Austin, and Dmitri Lawrencovich in the top of the ninth to spoil the Phailers' home opener. At least, BallWonk thinks that was Gordon who got his face melted off; it was hard to identify the remains beneath all the dripping gore of the 135.00 ERA.

When Little Red Riding Nat stumbled on the little house in the forest, she found that the bed was too soft, and the chair was too hard, but the Milledge was just right. Just right for a 2-for-4 day with a HBP, 2 RBI, and three runs scored with a two-run shot and a rally-starting single in the ninth. Welcome to the race, Baby Bear.

Delegate Count: Z-Man 1, Baby Bear 1.

Washington Nationals GM Trader Jim today offered a $500,000 minor-league contract to his own Rolodex.

"I've already signed or traded for everyone listed in my Rolodex," Trader Jim said. "Including all of the Boone brothers. And not just Bob and Alec, but also Brett, Aaron, Daniel, Stephen, Jeb, Damon, Marlon, and Keenan."

Bowden admitted that he had not updated his Rolodex since 2006, when he added a Florida criminal-defense attorney's card. "I offered him a tryout," Trader Jim said, "because what do you have to lose? There's a lot of undeveloped talent out there."

Spring in Washington starts at noon today, when Nationals camp opens in Viera. Pitchers and catchers report at noon today, with the rest of the team reporting next week.

But the real point is, Take that, winter.

Bad news for C. Petegomery Angelos, worser news for Ed Wade and his team down in Houston. Congress, including Nationals fan Rep. Tom Davis, has decided that maybe Miggy wasn't telling the truth after all when he testified that the extra arms he grew in Baltimore were the result of vitamin B-12 injections and cod liver oil.

And not, you know, the steroids he and Raffy were doing.

Actually, maybe not such bad news for C. Petegomery Angelos. His Orioles have been one of the worst organizational offenders on doping but Baltimore has caught very little flak for it. And in Tejada, the songbirds got the benefits of his steroid-induced third and fourth arms for the maximum length of time before trading him for a brand-new starting rotation and an outfielder from Houston, where the Astros will now pay the price of any possible bans or criminal sentence against Miggy. So in the end, things have worked out for Angelos almost as well as the time he turned the recycling plant into a fish-slurry factory. How does the man escape accountability every time? Nobody's contract with the devil is that good, at least not without regular human sacrifice.

A hearty "about time" to Goose, of course, and a continued Whiskey Tango Foxtrot for Blyleven being denied again. But the real story of the 2008 Hall of Fame ballot:

Somebody voted for Chuck Knoblauch?! For the Hall of Fame?!

BallWonk can understand a homer voting for Don Mattingly. Or even maybe David Justice. But Chuck Knoblauch? Sheesh.

A tough end to another Washington team's season. But as low as burgundy backers may feel, BallWonk's thought as the clock wound down in the fourth quarter was this:

Squeaking into the playoffs as a wild card, then getting completely wiped out in the first round of the playoffs? That would be a freakin' great season for the Nationals.

DC United made the playoffs (again) this season. The burgundy warriors came back from Inner Suckolia to eke into the playoffs. The Capitals are playing just well enough to think about doing what their football peers did. And the Bullets are well on their way. So the Nationals basically owe it to DC to struggle out of the gate, then get hot before the All-Star Break, slide into the wild card by half a game in September, and then get swept by the Padres in the NLDS.

It's tough to get demolished in the first round of the playoffs. But better that than not playing at all.

Detail from Choi Hoon's 2007 NL wrapup cartoon. Something about Trader Jim, a DC tour, a mushroom, and possibly a base in the new ballpark. Or something. Anybody speak Korean?

Bang! went the shotgun. Only louder. Shotguns are louder than you think, at least up close.

"Ahhh!" cried Luis Ayala.

"God dammit," growled the vice president. "You shouldn't get in my way like that."

"Ahhh!" cried Ayala again. "You shot me! It burns! In my arm!"

"Didn't you ever learn gun safety?" the vice president asked. "When I point my gun at you, you're supposed to get out of the way. Fer chrissake."

"Ahhh!" Ayala cried again. "You shot my arm, man! Am I bleeding?"

"You face looks fine," the vice president said. "But I'm still waiting for your apology."

"What?" Ayala asked.

"We're not moving until you apologize," the vice president said.

"Ahhh!" Ayala cried again. "You shot me! In the arm!"

"Dammit," the vice president said. "You blocked my shot, and now you're acting like you're the victim here. I am sick and tired of hunting with people who block my shots."

"I was standing behind you," Ayala said. "Ahhh! Crap, that stings, man! Will you just take a look at my arm?"

"Looks like your left arm," the vice president said.

"So?" Ayala said. "Come look at it. Is there blood?"

"So you pitch with your right arm, not your left," the vice president said. "Don't be such a crybaby. Now tell me you're sorry and we can keep going. There's more grouse still out in the field."

"Ahhh!" Ayala said. "I think I am bleeding. Cripes. I'm calling my agent."

"Garr," the vice president said. "Get a lawyer involved. Great. That's just great. Typical prima donna. Fine. I'll call the Secret Service truck and we'll go back to the cabin. But I'm not taking you hunting again until you apologize, like the last guy who blocked my shot."

"Ahhh!"

"Fer chrissakes. The whole damn day ruined."

And by "upgrade," BallWonk means, "advance to the next software release number," which is actually an "upgrade" from the previous release in about the sense that trading Ryan Zimmerman for the entire roster of the Pirates would be an "upgrade" for the Nationals.

But once the technical staff has figured the new template/module/includes system architecture, old entries will be reloaded and we'll be back in business.

Update: Formatting almost complete; hope to restore links and archives soon.

BallWonk National Committee staff is back from Iowa and finishing the darn site redesign/upgrade. More soon.